Overheard from ... junk mail

The junk mail started pouring in about the same time I started spewing forth my opinions a year ago. Someone out there in the packetized cosmos is making bank selling email addresses gleaned off Yahoo. Targeted audience: primary contacts at various web magazines. (Conspiracy Theory #216: dem Yahoo's are getting a cut. Conspiracy Theory # 217: so's dem aliens in Hangar 18.)

Junk email is just another carry-over from the old media that burns my tomato. Okay, it's easy enough to throw it out and I'm not paying anything extra to receive useless mail. But damn, it just annoys the hell out of me to get this unsolicited crap that acts all excited about stuff on the Web that I just have gotta see.

Check out some of the crud being dumped into my inbox:

Subject: Come and join us!

You are invited to become a member of the Internet Investment Club - FREE. This exclusive club has unlimited benefits for you . By becoming a member you will immediately receive ...

I'm just waiting for the day Ed McMahon's face pops up in my email client and starts spouting the pitch, a streaming thumb-sized floating head explaining all the benefits of joining said club. Can't wait.

((FREE Stuff)) like plane tickets, free software, free Internet access, EVEN MONEY, with Nothing to buy and no purchase required interested continue reading!

"Free money?" Did I miss something here?

I'm writing to ask if you could add this link somewhere on your site :

The Net-Head Hand Book

The Net-Head Hand Book is a funny, style guide to the Internet. It addresses the hundreds of issues you will encounter when going on-line. Features include how to spot the 8 different types of net-head:

Net-Cadet
Netropolitan
Newbie
Net-Veterans
Cyberpunk
Net-Activist
Geek
Net-Profiteer

So my questions are: (a) why do people think they have to add "net" to a word to make it sound cool, (b) why does this person think I need this book to figure out if someone is a geek or newbie, and (c) why the hell would I trust a book sold on the Internet to honestly explain all the negative connotations involved with being a "Net-Profiteer"?

Dear Colleague,

We prepare to launch our newest site ...

Ah, the ol' "dear colleague" bit to make us rank amateurs feel important.

So what? All this is damn annoying, but is it really anything to get up in arms about? Well, it is if you have to pay your ISP an additional fee for each email you receive, like on AOL and Compuserve. Still, those of us with an unlimited-use account can smugly smirk and crack wise about the dolts using such services.

But a little digging into the subject uncovered a lot of unsavory subject matter. Stories that range from the mild to the incredible -- such as of AOL trying to defend against Cyber Promotion's email deluge. Or Mark Welsh, complaining about his account being bombarded with their fourth-class junk, only to be harassed by Cyber Promotions' owner, Stanford Wallace. And then there's Mark Pachal's The GIGO Game, which pokes fun at Cyber Promotions' (and others) Goliath email spams. Mark details how this little exercise in Web humor earned him multiple mailbombs and threat of a lawsuit from (once again) that fun-loving S.O.B., Stanford Wallace.

I visited Cyber Promotions' home page, which is covered with uppercased exclamation-ejaculating hyperlinks, rainbowized separators, and a page dedicated to explaining the "truths about responsible bulk e-mail" -- which is just a shill to sign-up for their services.

They were even so thoughtful to provide "Do you have an opinion about this page?" buttons -- your choices are "I love this site!" or "I like this site!". And the customary "favorite Web links" is given a shuck-and-jive twist -- hotlinks to Cyber Promotional customers messily presented as "interesting web pages."

As I was researching this topic, I received an email from none other than a bulk email site submitting an editorial release. In an obviously wild attack of creativity, the domain name they've registered is none other than bulk-e-mail.com. And, as if I'm some conduit of free expression, they attach a winded defense of mass emailings:

"Business to business" commerce on the Internet is exploding and virtually all businesses interested in "business to business" marketing on the web would like to directly promote their web site with direct e-mail.

This is evident by the fact that we all receive an unsolicited e-mail from time to time and the growing popularity of software programs that collect e-mail addresses. Each day literally thousands of businesses search for a internet access provider that will allow them their 1st amendment right to direct e-mail.

AOL, CompuServe, Prodigy, Delphi and other leading Internet providers have a vested interest to stopping such "business to business" activity as it diminishes the value of the expensive and untrackable "banner" advertising they sell. Smaller providers feel that it is a violation of some unwritten code established by the original academic users of the net.

Integrated Media Promotion Corporation believes "business to business" direct e-mail is a natural extension of the commercialization of the internet. It is the only type of "business to business" internet advertising in which produces tangible results (i.e. sales per message sent) that can be accurately tracked.

IMPC offers businesses interested in this type of "business to business" activity a home. IMPC will not chastise, turn off or harass businesses using our "Business Friendly" web hosting and e-mail services to legally promote legal business activity. It's that simple!

"Save A Tree, Send Your Message Electronically" tm

Sincerely,

Steve J. Faulkner
President
Integrated Media Promotion Corporation

The temptation to tear apart Faulkner's reasoning is oh so great, but I'll refrain and leave it "as an exercise for the reader".

Hey, Mr. Faulkner -- you want to see some real First Amendment rights in action? Check out how I'm ending this article:

Shysters and confidence men invade the Web -- film at eleven.